Editor’s Note: Although my serving whelp Sextus no longer attends to my bed side and in fact betrayed me in a most uncouth fashion, the little gypsy penned a remarkable number of so-called “horoscopes” during the weeks he was in my service. In order to achieve some recompense in the meantime before he is dully apprehended and has his ankles broken to prevent any more flights of fancy, I have chosen to publish these otherwise blasphemous and ungodly fortunes within the pages of the hallowed Onion newspaper, as I have been told the masses are intrigued by them. Profitable blasphemy is only the best kind, followed closely however by “blasphemous charades”.
I have been duly informed forthwith that there is some manner of financial happenstance occurring in the Old World, most specifically in Ireland. I was visibly stunned, or as much as was possible given my prodigious lack of facial musculature, on how in the holy name of our Lord Aphrodite did a motley collection of unrepentant, inebriated papists manage to endanger the banking system to such an extent.
I, of course, blame the Jews, whole and entire. Using the hapless Catholics to implode Protestant finance, the fiendish calculation of it! I have dispatched my Swiss Guard to Leipzig, where I assume the sons of Abraham still congregate; not to stop them, though but merely to learn how one could profit from the ensuing monetary collapse.
Aries: (March 21-April 19)
You will achieve a kind of notoriety when you are finally apprehended as the actual Serial Paperclip Harasser.
Taurus: (April. 20-May 20)
While it’s true that most people don’t know it’s illegal, you still shouldn’t have solicited sex from mentally-damaged pandas.
Gemini: (May 21-June 21)
The sign on the door will say “Orthopedic Clinic” but the guy in the rubber coat and man-sized grill spit will make you suspicious.
Cancer: (June 22-July 22)
You think Botox and plastic surgery can stop the aging process itself, but then Father Time busts out a size-9 whoopin’ stick on your wrinkly face.
Leo: (July 23-Aug. 22)
It may be a life-changing career switch for you, but you’re still just a mascot albeit transformed from the VD Awareness Anaconda to Wally, the Abstinence Hamster.
Virgo: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Though you’re worried about increasing secularization of America, you’re also pretty sure that Pat Robertson isn’t the answer.
Libra: (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
You may change your name from “Fatty McPherson” to “Dirk Spangler” but that won’t alter the fact that you’re an overweight Irishman.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
Your party would have gone off without a hitch if it hadn’t been crashed by four New York Jews and their rap music.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Even through four senate special commissions, no one will be sure why you gave that chimpanzee a gun.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Through it all, one thing remains true: you’ll never trust a fucking cartoon for a physics problem again.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
A screeching demon will appear at your door to tempt you into purchasing a magazine subscription to the American Spectator. Employ the Killin Shovel immediately.
Pisces: (Feb. 19-March 20)
Your claim that your heirlooms are pure gold becomes true when King Midas makes an impromptu antiquing stop at your house.
