Editor’s Note: Although my serving whelp Sextus no longer attends to my bed side and in fact betrayed me in a most uncouth fashion, the little gypsy penned a remarkable number of so-called “horoscopes” during the weeks he was in my service. In order to achieve some recompense in the meantime before he is dully apprehended and has his ankles broken to prevent any more flights of fancy, I have chosen to publish these otherwise blasphemous and ungodly fortunes within the pages of the hallowed Onion newspaper, as I have been told the masses are intrigued by them. Profitable blasphemy is only the best kind, followed closely however by “blasphemous charades”.
I have been told that recently some upstart Colonel has been elected President in Argentina. His accoutrements seem a bit foppish to me, but then I was never piqued by the militaristic gilded fashion of fascism. New England Puritanism leaves one little leeway in regard to one’s wardrobe.
Now I have been informed that the aforementioned Argentinian dispatch was delayed better than 60 years by a hurricane in the cape. Let us hope that this Juan Peron affair turned out well.
Or not. I do not pay much mind to anything south of the equator unless it is being mined and then shipped to a vault in Manhattan.
Aries: (March 21-April 19)
You think taste-testing would be a great job, but then again you don’t know that they taste test urinal cakes.
Taurus: (April. 20-May 20)
You will get a new Walker hood ornament after you mow down an elderly woman in a cross walk.
Gemini: (May 21-June 21)
Gemini’s luck is always two-faced. So though you will own a private jet by next week, it will also be lodged in your living room and be on fire.
Cancer: (June 22-July 22)
You’re attempt to start a blue-footed booby farm will end before it starts when the zookeeper pulls his gun on you.
Leo: (July 23-Aug. 22)
The sun will be perfectly aligned tomorrow, excellent for you but bad for any ants wandering under your magnifying glass.
Virgo: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Do not go into that haunted house this week because, though it is not haunted, it is owned by Crawly, the dog-molesting pickaxe killer.
Libra: (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
In spite of the overwhelming evidence to the contrary, you will still claim that the blind circus dwarf caused the whole conflagration.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
When Monday rears its ugly head, kick him in the groin. If you let Bob Monday push you around, you might as well be a prostitute.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
For Sagittarius’s money, you can’t do any better than Bic™ pens.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Your dream of becoming a bishop ends when the real bishop finds you rummaging through his dresser.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You will hit the depths of depravity this week which isn’t as bad as you thought when it turns out depravity has a large supply of fig newtons.
Pisces: (Feb. 19-March 20)
Your execution at the gallows will be a source of great irony since you shot your opponent after losing a heated match of “Hangman.”
